I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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