A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
