no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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