at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He passed out mid-signature
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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