I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
