shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
