What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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