no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
