i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This baby is an asshole
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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