Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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