i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
