Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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