Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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