I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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