I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
