Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
