My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
