The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
