Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
