So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
