The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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