4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
