Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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