I want to walk on stilts...naked
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
