Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
