i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize