She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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