i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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