i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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