And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
