Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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