he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
