matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Houston, we have a blender
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
