Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
