I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
