When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
