i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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