So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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