I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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