Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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