Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
