my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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