that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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