Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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