I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
