I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
