some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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