My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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