she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
do nipples grow back?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
