If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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